I think I was prompted by Double Leo‘s post to think about this more. I was considering it, I didn’t quite have a word for it, but I guess Mentor it is.
I am a new submissive, very new to the lifestyle, with hardly any experience, so many many questions and constant wondering about where my head’s at.
The recent events in my personal life (does it get any more personal than this?) have left me with the same drifting feeling that I despise and yet am so used to.
While I doubt I can handle a full-blown relationship right now, I’ve been craving direction. I don’t know if it’s normal for most submissives, or if it just shows weakness on my part. I feel like I need someone to guide me through the mess that I occasionally feel in my head. I say ‘occasionally’ because for the rest of the time, I just don’t let myself think.
So, is there really someone out there who agrees to take charge of someone merely for guiding them? How much do they involve themselves in this guiding? Do they listen to us? Do they tell us what to do? Do they educate us?
For me this is almost an alien concept, because I don’t know what the situation is in my country with regard to the BDSM sub-culture. I almost believe that it’s impossible I’ll ever find someone (else) who is ready to accept my kink, be kinky and agree to be kinky together!
To be without an anchor is quite difficult!
If some of you don’t recognise this blog, or the person posting it – this is Smitten – to be known as EscapistGirl from now on.
I decided that it was time that I changed things about this place, made it mine, instead of it being a “memory”.
It’s still a work in progress (I am lazy) – but I am trying.
One of the first things on the agenda is getting everything off my chest, because it’s eating me. More so because I’ve been ignoring it (and escaping from it) and acting like it hasn’t been affecting me. Plus, I have to be absolutely normal in RL because they didn’t know about this. So, you guys get the worst of it.
This is me, taking yet another leap of faith.
I think it’s final now. Well, as “final” as this gets anyway.
I am single again. No more lil ol’ slavegirl.
Does it feel good? Um, no!
Does it feel terrible? Well, apart from the occasional ache near my sternum, I am fine. I am used to this.
Do I know what to do next? Absolutely not. I wish I took this better than I used to. On some levels, I do. But, it still affects me.
I don’t even know what to do with this blog anymore.
I fill my head with music, television, what have you – noise, so much noise.
Sometimes it gets really quiet in my head. These are times when I am left wondering what to do. I fill my head with so much noise that this quiet is unnerving – I don’t quite know what to do with it.
I am escapist by nature. I run from confrontation, I run from emotions, I even run away from people.
I wasn’t always like this; well, maybe on some level I was, but not to this extent.
It’s getting really quiet again.